I want to see the air!

In the 50th chapter of the Quran, Surah Qaf, Allah says:

Have they not looked at the heaven above them – how We structured it and adorned it and [how] it has no rifts? (50:6)

It brought back long forgotten memories how the sky used to fascinate me and as a child I used to look deeply in the blue infinity trying to find a glimpse of God as I had believed him to be somewhere in the heavens. I remember that I used to go outside on a cloudy afternoon and take along some cushions and lie down in the lawn. I would just look up at the sky and create poems and words of unknown origin and meaning. And somehow I would feel soothed and comforted by this. Throughout my life, the beauty of the sky and the clouds would fascinate me. But I was confused why I would feel such a pain-like-feeling when after rainfall or in winters the brilliance of the light seemed so overwhelming. I wanted to absorb this so I became a chronic photographer but I could never have enough and I would always feel a hunger-like-pain gnawing at my insides. These were mad feelings which I could never fully express to anyone because I did not know what I wanted. But now after having studied the Quran, I am amazed at Allah’s qudrah (power)  how even in our innocence (and later on our ignorance), He infuses His love in us. It’s just that we don’t realize what it is that we long for.

Since I began the Quran, I was often confused why I felt so attracted towards it and felt so deprived when there was a holiday. My class fellows had a totally opposite attitude so I began to think that there’s something wrong with me!! What a fool I was not to know that this passion of mine was the “only” thing that was “right” with me. It was Allah’s love that enabled me to enjoy the Quran and its beautiful words that at times seem to go right through my heart.

Yesterday for some reason I was feeling so annoyed with myself, and I was thinking what to do. I put on the audio of recitation but could not focus on the words so I felt even more depressed that I don’t even know what my Allah is saying. Suddenly in my despair, I heard the words from Surah An-Nahl, verse 69… “fasluki subula rabbiki dhulula” (So keep following the paths of your Lord with humility…) and I began to cry with the complete happiness that anyone can ever hope for. These are one of my favourite words and now I love them even more.

One last thing; My youngest son used to make one excuse whenever he went outdoors without my permission. “Ammi, please don’t be angry with me, I just wanted to ‘see the air’.” We used to laugh at his words but now that this ayah has reopened the doors of my childhood memory, I have a strong feeling that this is not something to pass away as a joke. Rather I should give my utmost attention that this special love that my child has for nature should be channelized towards the Creator of this nature.

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